?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Celibacy

Oct. 14th, 2017 | 04:34 pm

People keep asking me why I'm celibate, so I feel that I have to get it off my chest.

I have been celibate for a year now. I dated someone for three months last year and when I felt it wasn't working out, I left and became celibate once again.

People keep asking, "Why don't you have sex?" or "Why don't you WANT TO have sex?"
Well, I'd say the reason is simple, but it's really not.

All my life I've struggled with getting close to people, especially when it came to forming long-lasting relationships. I don't have a 'type' either, I think the whole idea of having a type, really limits you to what's out there. I digress, I need to form a BOND something that not only attracts my eye but my mind and my heart -- I guess you can just call it GROWTH.

I refuse offers from good people who want to date me because I am not ready and I know that in this society a man is not going to want to date a celibate woman (unfortunate, but true.)

That's not to say that if I met someone and had an intense bond, I would rule out the option. I would still proceed with caution. After many young and wild encounters in my 20's (that were fun while they lasted), I've realized that finding a quality partner is very few and far in between. For even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.

I put my heart before sexual interest.

Link | Leave a comment | Share


(no subject)

Aug. 15th, 2017 | 02:48 pm

I am really sad today, because I fucking miss you. :'(

Last night, I had a dream about you.
You said that you missed me.
Well, I miss you too!

Why did you leave?
I wish I could've been there to ease your pain,
dry your tears,
listen to your stories.

I wish you saw yourself as everybody else saw you.
An angel with battle wounds,
a loving friend.

Now, just a vivid memory.
Until we meet again...

No one could ever fill your shoes,
you made me laugh until my cheeks hurt.
You filled my heart with a love and friendship so pure, so beyond replacing.

I just really fucking miss you!!!
Love you, girl. <3

Link | Leave a comment | Share


To The Bone -- Movie and personal experience

Aug. 4th, 2017 | 10:43 am
mood: hopeful hopeful

Recently I watched 'To The Bone' a documentary about a girl struggling with anorexia, or 'rexi' as they call it in the film.

It really hit home, here's why:
I was overweight as a child, yet I was always outgoing, active and had lots of friends. I didn't see a problem with it until I got to high school when I started to notice boys. I was running track one day in gym class and an older boy passed by me, turned around and said, "Time to speed up fatty" laughed and ran away. I had been teased a few times before then also, by friends (when they were mad at me) and other boys in my elementary school.

It eventually turned me into a cold, bitter, self-loathing individual. I dropped out of high school and began to focus on my weight. I started by doing the Slim Fast diet -- 2 meal replacement shakes and dinner. I started losing weight and started to hear how 'great I looked', which led me to think about how I could cut down more. So I started cutting out the shakes completely and just eating dinner with the occasional binge eating (it's begun).

Eventually I stopped eating real dinners. I didn't even drink any calories, I resorted to diet drinks like diet coke. I would eat half a sandwich a day or if I was feeling like 'treating' myself I would have a bowl of lucky charms for the whole day.

I got to the point where I was doing situps every day in my room and wrapping my hand around my upper arm to see if I could wrap my fingers around. I could. (Like in the documentary, To The Bone.)

I ended up modelling when I was sixteen and I really enjoyed it, but I was often told by my peers and even some of the teachers that I was 'too skinny'. I never weighed less than 113, but I did have a problem. What they meant to say is that I was unhealthy. Something I thought I would never hear in that industry, but I did.

I still stayed in touch with my friends from school and on occasion we would get together. I remember one evening my two friends came over and we were getting ready to go out. I happened to say, 'my jeans are a size 0 and their still loose.' I would tug on the few inches that expanded from my waist and laugh, while they just stared at each other in disbelief.

Another instance, was when I was out with another friend and she flat out said "you have a problem and I'm taking you to get help." I didn't believe it, but I thought I would go anyway. When we got there the two workers at the anorexia clinic said, 'she's not that bad, we've seen worse' and I walked away reassured, not getting any help.

There were two instances that were really bad:
1. When I was at home and I woke up, went to the washroom and passed out on the floor. My body overheating, feeling like I was going to die.
2. The same thing happened, this time in a public place -- a toy store.

Luckily my mother was there both times or I don't know what I would've done

Later in my life, I started to eat more. I would still only eat once a day but I would eat 'more' and occasionally I would binge eat. Some days, I'd just eat a box of donuts (gross I know).

I met some more friends with similar problems, through online networking and college. I later found out that a lot of them were like me and struggled with their image. Many times they would take on addictions like drugs/alcohol or binge eating/fad diets to mask the pain.

I've overcome a lot since then by working out, eating a healthy diet and meditation. I also quit drinking alcohol two years ago. I owe a lot of my success to perseverance and knowing about people who have overcome their own issues in life (the book Drink by Ann Dowsett Johnston, led me on to my path to get sober.) Unfortunately, I also lost a friend this year due to drug addiction, so you take the bad with the good ALWAYS in life... I think it's how you decide to turn it around and help yourself and others that really matters going forward.

I am sharing this story that is deeply rooted to me and encompasses Who I am/Who I've become, with hopes that maybe it will reach someone in need who is going through a similar event in their life and I strongly encourage you to watch To The Bone if you are going through something similar.

Remember, You're beautiful.

Namaste,
Valerie

Link | Leave a comment | Share


(no subject)

Jun. 16th, 2017 | 09:18 pm

I am going to rant a bit...
I am kind of sick of men who say whatever is on their mind to a woman when she really does not want to hear your gross come ons and what you think of her body. It's one thing to compliment a woman, but it's a whole other ball game when you continue to point out how nice her butt looks in those pants while molesting her with your googly eyeballs. JUST SAYIN'.... Keep it classy Toronto!

Sincerely,
A Modest Woman

Link | Leave a comment | Share


(no subject)

Mar. 11th, 2017 | 10:50 am
mood: happy happy
music: The Hills are Alive - The Sound of Music

Some days, I just want to cry. Not from Sadness; but sheer happiness.

Today I woke up and felt lucky to be alive. It's not often that I get in this kind of a mood, but when I do, I cherish it.

I am just so happy - to be working a job I love, have the right friends by my side, a family that supports me and confidence that shines brighter than the sun, some days. It took a lot of work and self-healing to get here, but I'm glad I rode out the adventure. I only wish happiness and success to those around me, as well.

Hopefully, one day everyone can feel this joyous and harmonious with the universe. What a wonderful thought to have...

~keep on smiling my little rays of sunshine~

Link | Leave a comment | Share


(no subject)

Feb. 22nd, 2017 | 04:14 pm

You know, it's very rare that I let people get to me. The one thing that really bugs me, is if someone says that I don't care. I am just a woman trying to do my best and be there for the people that matter to me, but sometimes when life throws me a curveball or two I get down on myself and need that time to heal for ME. All my life, I have given my whole heart to my friends and family without really focusing on myself — it really takes a lot out of you. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have stuck around. I wouldn't be the one my friends call or text when they've had a bad day or need a listening ear... I wouldn't involve my heart in my relationships and defend those I love at any cost. If you think I don't care, you're wrong. The truth is, that I care a lot. Sometimes, I care too much but I'll never stop. Not if you're a part of me <3

Link | Leave a comment | Share


(no subject)

Jan. 12th, 2017 | 04:07 am
mood: crushed crushed
music: Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to feel something other than numb. I am having a really difficult time coming to terms with the truth - that you're gone. Why did the world have to push you down and make you think that you were anything less than perfect? I wish I could've helped you heal, I wish I could've saved you but your legacy will live on in the little spark of life you brought into everyone you touched.

I love you, Steph.

Today addiction stole one of my best friends....

Link | Leave a comment | Share


Seeking: Human Connection

Dec. 28th, 2016 | 10:26 pm

Is there anyone out there, like me? Who feels like a part of them is missing? That has lost faith in humanity and the ability to LOVE?

I seek someone like me. Someone who requires little, but gives a lot. Someone who compliments without needs of reciprocation, because it makes them feel good making somebodies day.

I want to touch your fingertips, I want to run my hands all over your body with no sexual desire. I want to lay my head on your chest and feel your heartbeat and listen to your breath, inhaling and exhaling ever so calmly by my side. I want your full attention, in this moment, to be connected.

That's what I want.

But people are slowly unlearning how to love. The put up blocks and make excuses not to feel, so what is an empath to do in this world to not fall into the same patterns? How do you make one open their eyes to the hope and possibilities of love? How do you reverse the spell of modern love, so we can start feeling wholeheartedly for one another?

Tell me...

Link | Leave a comment | Share


Everybody's watching her, but she's looking at...

Aug. 24th, 2016 | 06:45 am
mood: relaxed relaxed

Told myself that I wouldn't get hooked on you, but I lied. This just feels too damn good.

"Maybe she needed someone to show her how to live and he needed someone to show him how to love." - N.R. Hart

Link | Leave a comment | Share


Dear horoscope, how do you do that?

Aug. 14th, 2016 | 10:45 pm
mood: relieved relieved
music: Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris - This is what you came for

Last week sometime my horoscope said something like "a relationship is coming your way whether you like it or not" this is after meeting a guy on a date and keeping in touch with him after to plan a second date. Our second date was yesterday and I didn't look at my horoscope until now, but this is what it said:

"If you are working on building a better love relationship, you have to commit yourself to being honest. It's not like you tell untruths on a regular basis, but from time to time you have told little white lies, thinking you are protecting someone. But that's not your call. And from now on, you will get a lot farther with someone if you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When you make choices out of fear, you usually make the wrong choices. Share your feelings in an unedited way"

So, on our first date I was still trying to read the guy... I knew he was funny and charming and I was physically attracted to him - yes; but I also haven't had sex in over a year out of my own self-respect and nobody suiting my new found standards. We locked eyes and kissed a lot, but that's as far as I'd take it.

Our second date we made plans for, but they were rained out. We ended up hanging with his friends all day and he opened up a lot about himself. It surprised me because I saw that he was just as scarred as I was.

We ended up having lunch at his place halfway through the date and I was nervous because I knew being there would lead to something, especially with us being so attracted to one another - I could FEEL it. All I know is we were chatting on his couch one second and the next he's kissing me and my hearts racing, but my minds occupied with a million things at the same time. "This is bad" I told myself. Trying to make excuses for why I should stay celibate. I decided to be honest, before I had even seen what my horoscope had said yesterday... I told him that I haven't had sex in a year and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea - he countered that by saying he hadn't in six months (I didn't know how true it was so I cracked a joke under stress). I continued kissing him and keeping my mind focused on my own agenda. I asked myself "Is it worth it?" and thought about how I would feel after - Would I feel regret? We went through with it. It was mind-blowing, to say the least. We both laid there side by side, hand in hand... him softly stroking my fingers. The release felt like paradise, I explained to him. My body wasn't the only thing naked - my soul was bared.

Link | Leave a comment | Share